50 Things That I’ve learned in Nearly 4 Years @ the University of Guelph:

So, I realize that not everybody attends/attended the University of Guelph but I feel like a lot of these rules can apply to other universities. Enjoy!

1) In flip cup, if you have even just one bad player, you’re screwed.
2) All English courses relate back to the same thing: gender, boundaries, sexuality.
3) All History courses relate back to the same thing: war, racism, sexuality.
4) All Psychology courses relate back to the same thing: multiple choice… and sexuality.
5) In Never-Have-I-Ever you discover that you are either:
a) not the biggest whore among your friends, or
b) the biggest whore among your friends
6) Don’t go to Trappers.
7) Going to Palace does not make not going to Trappers any better.
8) It takes approx. 2-4 years to figure out where every room is in the MacKinnon building.
9) In 4 years, I still have not figured out how to navigate the science complex.
10) Couches in the Booster Juice lounge = Heaven. Particulary the L-Shaped one.
11) Squirrels. Don’t mess with the fucking squirrels.
12) The library = one hell of a nap.
13) Painting The Cannon is futile. No matter how hard you try, it will always be painted over the next night. Sorry guy.
14) The student population: 60% female, 10% male, 10% gay, 20% “Bro”.
15) Aggie jackets: because someone has to dress like a tool and make the rest of us look more stylin’.
16) Buying your books usually follows a drunken O-Week but precedes OSAP… clearly, the university gods are dicks.
17) $2 jagerbombs always seems like a good idea at the time.
18) If you are riding the drunk-bus back home from downtown and you don’t participate in the inevitable chorus of “Don’t Stop Believing” then you sir or madame, are a disappointment.
19) Poutine. Everybody, poutine!
20) Midterms: always scheduled at a time which is MOST inconvenient for you.
21) Essays: always scheduled at a time which is MOST inconvenient for you.
22) Procrastination and “All Nighters”: because apparently school isn’t hard enough, so we try to fuck ourselves over just a little bit more.
23) OSAP is either a godsend or the world’s biggest piss-off. Thanks mom and dad.
24) Befriend the cook(s) and you get extra food on your plate, often hidden underneath or inside other pieces of food.
25) Hey Vinyl: contrary to popular belief, changing the song every 45 seconds does not make me want to dance more.
26) Hey Albion: music = WTF?
27) Hey eBar: you’re doing alright.
28) Hey Loft: DUB-STTEEEEPPPP!
29) If you are at a bar and the band plays “Brown Eyed Girl”, you’ve picked the right bar.
30) There will always be confusion between “Home” and “Home”. One refers to your Guelph home and the other one to your parent’s home.
31) Parking spots: you either get there early or you’re screwed. That being said, there isn’t one remotely close to where any of your classes are, so give up.
32) In the middle of winter, when you have to walk from one side of the campus to the other and you are freezing, Rozanski is on your route 99% of the time.
33) If you go to the gym with your friends and you stand around talking in front of the machines, you should have your membership revoked.
34) If you go to the gym and you don’t know how to use a machine, ask. Everyone sees you… we are all secretly laughing at your attempts.
35) If you go to the gym and we can’t locate your neck anymore… well, maybe you should take a day off?
36) If you go to the pool intending to swim lengths and you don’t know how to swim… well, you should probably take a day off as well.
37) Sun Sun’s: because Chinese food has never been so cheap and easily accessible.
38) Trappers: because women have never been so cheap and easily accessible.
39) The Manor. ‘Nuff said.
40) At least obey the “half-your-age + seven” rule you Trappers skeeze-ball.
41) Hot professors: because if you had the chance and didn’t take it, you are a disgrace to humanity.
42) Girls: bitches be crazy.
43) Boys: bitches be crazy.
44) Night Class. Yeah, I didn’t go half the time either.
45) To that one girl in every class who always has to be obnoxious and display her lack of intelligence: “The professor just answered your question about 15 seconds prior to you asking yours… rephrashing it does not make it a different question”.
46) To that one guy in every class who always has to be obnoxious and display his overabundance of intelligence: “Just because you use big words, the Professor still finds you aggravating… as does the rest of the class”.
47) To Thursday nights: because for some reason, 1st/2nd years haven’t seemed to grasp the concept that they can drink on a weekday… 3rd/4th years thank your innocence.
48) Apiculture: because students love courses that they will never use in the real world.
49) Wine Tasting: because students love courses that they will use in the real world.
50) Budgeting: the booze fund > the grocery fund, and inevitably drunk you will buy food to eat anyways (with money you don’t have), so don’t stress.

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