Why hello again my lovely friends! I know, I know… it’s been far, far too long. Where have I been? Well, I could explain that to you or I could give you another riveting rant from my raving and raucous intellect! My god I love alliteration! Needless to say, expect more frequently occurring updates from me.
So what’s on the billet for today? Well, I thought it’d be neat (that’s right, neat) to examine a rather taboo aspect of language: swearing. That’s right, I want to talk about all the fucking crazy, bitchin‘ and shitty words that we often expel from our assholish and douche-clogged mouths… wow, that left me feeling dirty. Hold on while I go wash up.
But seriously, for those of you who have read some of my other posts, you know that I tend to shy away from writing swear words. Why? Well, I mean other than the veiled-belief that I need to maintain some amount of credibility towards this, otherwise, UNcredible (or maybe incredible) blog, I think it’s important that I can somehow not manage to alienate an entire group of readers just because I feel the need to express my “potty-mouth”. And not to say that I shy away from the taboo either… I LOVE taboo! Sex, titties, penis, racism, panda, Vietnam, Hilary Clinton! This is just going downhill quickly, isn’t it? I know, I probably crossed the line at panda…
So whether writing or speaking, when is it ok to swear? Well, I think there are always exceptions to the rule… but because I love to make lists, I’ve come up with some rules!
1) If you have hurt yourself/are in pain… it is OK to swear. That’s right, even if you have just fallen off a ladder and broken your leg at the local nunnery because you were changing a light-bulb like the good citizen you are – feel free to swear! Have at it! If god didn’t want you to express your pain then he wouldn’t have given you pain receptors and a filthy mouth to express them.
2) In the interest of comedy… it is OK to swear! Because let’s be serious, if you’re telling a joke that’s just not as funny without the added F-Bomb, then clearly you need to tell it. Obviously you should be aware of your audience too. Don’t go talking about some “fucking crazy penguins” to those nuns… they may not appreciate it. Although I do say maybe since maybe your local nuns will appreciate a good joke or two.
3) When you are in a really intense argument where your normal angry voice just won’t cut it… is is fucking OK to swear! Maybe you’re just too cutesy-wootsy to come off as mean or scary. So let ‘er rip! Show that big 250lb man who’s boss! You tell him he’s being an asshole because he’s taking too long on the swing-set… just be prepared for the consequences…
Really, that’s about it… I mean, you can swear in normal conversation too, especially if you’re a great story-teller, but honestly, it doesn’t really fit anywhere else. And don’t get me wrong, I swear quite a bit usually… but I am getting better. Why? Well, partially so I can scare my enemies with Rule #3 when the need arises but also because I love the idea of calling someone a “blistering pile of infected cockroaches which smell worse than a festering heap of amphibians” as opposed to a “stupid-asshole“. It just rolls off the tongue much more nicely.
So for now my friends, have a fucking awesome weekend!